omg such a fucking amazing link!im drunk as FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK right now and having a lot of fun with ithad half a bottle of bacardi red peach and a 40 of olde english.Quote from: DrugmothObviously, if this thread is entertaining you that much.
Obviously, if this thread is entertaining you that much.
Produce Section - Winn-Dixie - RT17 - Mid-Afternoon - Sunday - m4w - 29 (Jacksonville, Fl)You, hot girl, mid to upper 20s, dark top and casual jeans, and perhaps pink socks.I could clearly see you're truly a lipstick kinda girl.Me, tall, thinner, upper 20s, with very short hair, wearing RayBans, and member of the Moose Club.You were squeezing tomatoes, I'm thinking checking for freshness, and believe me, those tomatoes were quite fresh.What really stood out were your melons. I watch you squeeze-test them as well for a few moments, and, once again, they were surely quite ripe!Our eyes met, and we smiled at each other, while you happened to be holding a cucumber in each hand.I damn-near dropped my kumquats!Since you seem to fully enjoy fresh produce, I wanted to know if you would like to get together for some strawberry shortcakes, or a nice tossed salad, perhaps on a glass-bottomed boat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against a hot or cold lunch in any way; perhaps chili dogs and juice boxes in the ballpark, or a New York Style Taco. Maybe we can check out the zoo, I hear they have a new Angry Penguin exhibit! Or, if you're more toward to the low key, we can just stay in and play Quake 3, Mario Kart, or even Wheel Of Fortune.Well, until we meet again, rock on like an 80's metal drummer!
Haha I'm gonna get some punani soon ya fucks!
I prefer the one where you pull your dick out and jam ice in the hole.
Zombie hunting SWF seeking kick ass partner"SWF seeks SWM who enjoys farming, zoo keeping and serious preparation for zombie invasion for friendship, LTR and possible marriage. Must be willing to wear a kilt and own his own broadsword. Must be down to earth kind of guy, no prior convictions, not subject to any criminal investigations. I will look you up on the state access database so don't bother lying about it. Am D/D free, you be too Must hold liberal political views, while still supporting gun ownership, hunting and private land rights. No racists, homophobes, or fundamentalists. No Jehova Witnesses or Mormons. Must love dogs and be approved by my dogs. Must be able to ride a horse and allow me to spend large amounts of time with my animals without complaint. Must take me fishing and buy me a pint now and then. You can go out with your buddies too, I am not the jealous sort. But, you better be home each night in case the zombie invasion begins. I am a strong, intelligent country woman who can drive anything, haul 10 gallons of water to animals at a time, butcher a deer and run a trot line. Country folk will survive.
Seeking EunichI have been in the pornographic films industry for several years and I'm so sick and tired of dicks I can hardly stand it! If you have no genitals or are willing to have them removed then you may be the man for me. I do not like and absolutely refuse to take part in any of the following: blowjobs rimjobs footjobs buttjobs vaginajobs dirty sanchez blumpkins strawberry shortcake flaming dragon Houdini donkey punch cincinati bowtie gasmask hot lunch golden showers cleaveland steamer the Paul Rubins gramma sophie's curtains the Pittsburg landfill I'm a mac and I'm a pc how to lose a guy in ten gays or any other sexual act of any kind. If this sounds like your idea of a good time then get in touch. serious inquiries only. No weirdos please.
To My Porn Watching Pig BoyFriendSo you like watching these porn-sluts get pounded and creamed? OK, I get it, I kind of like some of that too. It's rather entertaining, if not slightly disturbing/fascinating to WATCH. But now you're getting all fucked up with me, and although I keep taking it from you, you're probably on the way out, and I'm trying to think of ways to get you back. Because, at the end of the day, the "new" hardcore is rather degrading, and there are too many limits being pushed. Here are a few of mine that keep getting tested: 1) If you don't stop slapping my tits and pinching my nipples that way, you won't ever see them again. I hope you like my parka, cause it's going to become my new lingerie. 2) Don't ever spit on my face again, I think I made that clear, sorry about the sore balls. 3) I used to feel proud that I could swallow, now I feel pretty gross after you dick whip me and make me eat it off your cock and fingers like it's punishment. I would do all that for you anyway, but when you hold my hair and call me names and make me, there's that line I was talking about. 4) Pussy to mouth is kind of freaky, I'm totally ok with that. Ass to mouth is something else altogether, stop even joking about it. If you should ever decide to "forge ahead" with that one and see how it goes, I'll bite your fucking dick off, I swear I will. If I don't manage that in the moment, I'll get you in your sleep. Thanks for listening sweetheart. By the way how did your coffee taste this morning?
Penis MeasuringA friend of mine and I have been having a long-standing argument about whose penis is larger. We've tried having our girlfriends confirm to the other the exact size, but neither one of us buy it. I don't want to see his penis and he doesn't want to see mine. I don't want my girlfriend looking at his penis and he doesn't was his looking at mine. So... We just need a girl to look at both of our penises (individually) and then to both of our faces say which one is bigger. We can't pay much. $50.
Emotionally unavailable woman seeking emotionally unavailable manYou: -Must have a busy schedule. This must be legit. Holding down a 3.8 in the College of Engineering while working two jobs, running a business, publishing original research=busy. Sleeping in until 2 in the afternoon, smoking with your friends, watching re-runs of ?It?s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?=not busy. That way, we can always blame everything on ?timing.? (It?s not you or me) -Must play control games with me. I will push and shove, and it is your job to nonverbally put me in my place by constantly ?taking control of the situation.? This is how you will establish your ?dominance.? This will not be easy (but that?s what makes it fun). Other ways to ?stay in control:? ask all the questions, do all of the interrogation. If I ever become upset, accuse me of being ?emotional? or ?unreasonable.? It's always "inside my head." Also, see me when it is convenient for you. Don't always answer my calls. Remain somewhat aloof. You don?t want to let me have the upper hand. -Must be willing to banter back and forth with me. I will get bored and lose interest otherwise. -Must be into exciting and potentially dangerous activities, like stealing road signs, driving like a maniac, and getting arrested by the police. Actually, scratch that last one. There is a difference between risky and reckless. Then there is ?retarded.? (I?m still undecided on where to place ?posting personal ads on Craigslist.?) In turn, will never call you too much (although I won?t hesitate to call you out) nor will I make you feel guilty about not ?spending enough time with me. I won't nag you about commitment (or ?where this relationship is going?) because it will never be ?that? serious. We won?t talk about feelings because?well, I?d rather not. Only short-listed applicants will be contacted (no phone calls or multiple e-mails, please)
Male Villain Seeking Female Arch-Enemy - m4wHowdy, I'm looking for a deadly vixen to do battle with on a weekly basis. We could meet in parks, rooftops, on the top of a moving train, on top of a moving truck, on top of anything really. My last arch-enemy found a new villain to fight when she decided beating me was too easy =(. I'm looking for someone strong, but not too strong. If you're about Buffy strong, you're too strong, but if you're about Sailor Mercury strong, that's too weak. Costumes are a plus and bring a group if you want, but no more than 3 because there's a difference between losing a battle and just straight up getting jumped. Should we ever have a common greater foe, I'm all for teaming up, but just that one time. Please respond soon, I'm so out of practice. I don't even have any putties to fight.
ANTIQUE hand crank Womens vibrating dildoAmazing condition for being over (70 years old) but still works great . Was my great Grandma's, and passed down to my grandma, and then to my mother. my wife was not interested in it so I need to sell ASAP need money for christmas. --------------------thank you--------------------- Hennry j
Human Soul (black friday special)I am interested in selling my soul or trading it to someone that could help me acquire holiday gifts for myself and family. I have been short on cash due to the low amount of work available here in sunny Florida and would greatly appreciate the help. You will receive a contract and certificate of authenticity both will be signed in my own blood and will verify by name that you are the new owner of my soul. (this is not a joke i really am selling it!) you could use it to trade the devil for fame or riches (keep in mind that you don't have to give him your own soul), you could use it as a doormat you could give it away as a gift or resell it the options are endless! please help my family have a great holiday and buy my soul now! i will also trade for household items and electronics, car or truck, gas mopeds, ect. you get the idea. thank you and have a great holiday season!
Tired of those boring "dinner and a movie types"?I'm looking for someone who will allow me to "act out" in public and can react appropriately. I'm tired of dating boring, tepid, insipid politically correct women. I want a liberal woman in the most true sense; not your messenger bag carrying, bike riding, garden variety gender-defender. Can you call someone a cunt in a public place without changing your tone and use the word to refer to your vagina in the same sentence? Do you agree with the opinion that women are terrible drivers, bad actors, and even worse musicians? Would you enjoy getting fucked by a man in a diaper? If so, On our first date, you will walk me on one of those child-leashes while I wear a helmet and do my best to stumble into every bypasser at the mall. I will at some point throw myself to the ground and slam my head repeatedly into the hard surface while screaming "NO TOUCH ME DERE, SISTER!" over and over. You will smile nervously at the mall patrons and assure them that "It will be over soon; he tires easily." After that, we will go and get ice cream. When asked which flavor I want, I will demand the ice cream attendant give me "all the ice creams". You will discipline me and tell me I can have only one flavor. At this time I will throw another violent tantrum until you bargain with me and I get two, three, or maybe four (this is up to you, since you'll be paying and rewarding me based on my performance). When we have our ice cream, I will eat it sloppily and smear it into your hair while giggling (ice cream is every retards favorite thing, you know). You will get up to grab napkins and I will quickly take the remainder of your ice cream and throw it across the food court or while you clean me up, I will shove it down your blouse. We will go to the video game store where you will "turn me loose" and pretend to talk on your phone absent mindedly outside of the store. I will harass the employees and ask them "OH! Can I have disth game?!" around a hundred times, once for each different game I see behind the counter. "Dat one" I will say as they try in vain to determine which product I am pointing out while staring at the ceiling or floor. Ten minutes or so should be enough time for me. You will then come collect me, awkwardly apologize, and we will leave the store for the womens restroom where you will proceed to change my diaper in front of the changing station. I will get hard and you tell me "Bad boy, bad boy" while slapping my penis. If anyone says anything, you will tell them you "have to slap it because it's the only way to make it go away" or "this is the only way I can teach him a lesson." When we leave the mall, we can go back to my place and continue roleplaying. You can teach me where babies come from and then we will practice making them in front of my video camera; the recording of which you will not get a copy. Condoms make my penis burn, so please be STD free. Criteria: 1. Stay in character at all times. I will not leave character at any point and if you do, I will react aggressively. I'm a pretty big guy. Don't piss me off. 2. You must wear a very sexy outfit. A short skirt and a low-cut top. I want to see your ass cheeks and titties hanging out. Tease your hair and wear some perfume. Also, do not wear underwear. A video game character costume is a plus. 3. If I happen to improvise a passing out spell during a tantrum, when you're leaning over me pretending to revive me or whatever, I will be aiming to pop a boner. Once you feel it prodding, you will do your best to hide it nonchalantly while pretending not to notice. This is very important and I will expect your best performance to come of this because I will suddenly spring up, grab you, and begin to hump you. You will react as if this was a normal thing and tell onlookers "Just give him a minute, he finishes fast." You are free to improvise your own dialog, but if it's stupid or it becomes obvious that you are pretending, I will loudcap you with retard yelps to distract from your ineptness. If all goes well, maybe we could meet up for a 2nd date. Maybe more.
Shrunken Pet Head AmuletHave the love of your life by your heart forever. I will shrink your pets head to the size of an amulet. You can then wear it on a chain or leather strip and have them by your heart forever. I can give you more details if you would like, just ask. Freeze the head for later or I can do it with a freshly removed head. Final results vary depending on size of pet as well as hair length. ALL this for a small fee of $100 or trades considered.
Fulfill My Waffle House FantasyThis Sunday evening at 10pm, I'll be sitting at the counter of Waffle House on Tunnel Road. I'll be wearing clothing but underneath I'll be naked. You'll know it's me because I'll be eating Bert's BEST bowl of Chili. Please note that Bert's BEST is a large bowl of chili, smothered, covered, chunked and peppered. This clarification is important, just in case there is someone else at the counter eating a bowl of Bert's Chili, which is just chili and not as good as Bert's BEST. After you identify me by my chili and also perhaps by my concealed nakedness, you'll take the stool beside me. At first I won't be sure it's you and the anticipation will be a real thrill for me. When the waitress greets you... I'm not sexist it's just statisticaly probable that your server will be a female because male Waffle House servers are very rare. Anyway, when your waitress greets you, you won't need to review a menu because I'm about to tell you what to order and you'll have it memorized. It may be a good idea to write this down on a small piece of paper and memorize while you're driving to the Tunnel Road Waffle House. Ready? Good. You'll tell the waitress you'll have Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped. Curiously enough, topped means topped with Burt's Chili. The other code words stand for melted cheese, grilled tomatoes, and spicy jalapeno peppers, respectively. I mention this because often times people don't care for spicy foods, in which case you can substitute capped for peppered. Capped is the code word for grilled button mushrooms. Either way, I'll still know it's you. Yet just to be sure, in addition to the Hashbrowns, order a city ham biscuit from the DOLLAR$ MENU. Of course it's possible that you may not like City Ham. The name itself can conjur unpleasant connotations if you think too long about it. This isn't important though because you don't have to eat it. It's just something off the DOLLAR$ MENU that you'll order it so I can be sure you're you and not just someone else that happens to be ordering Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped. After you order and only after the waitress has walked away, I'll ask you if you'd like a spoonful of my Bert's BEST Bowl of Chili. Don't respond verbally, just looked me in the eyes, squint slightly in a seductive manner and then open your mouth, stick out your tongue and get ready for a spoonful of Bert's BEST. Taste the chili, the saut?ed onions, melted cheese, grilled hickory smoked ham and spicy jalepeno peppers. It doesn't matter if you like the spicy peppers or not. You're going to eat them and they're going to be HOT! So hot your salivation may carry a little piece of grilled hickory smoked ham from the corner of your mouth down the precipice of your chin. Don't wipe it off, let it drip. When my body stops covulsing and my emotions return from sheer ecstacy, I'll put a $20 bill on the counter. Then I'll get up slowly and walk out the door. Never to see you again. If this sounds like the kind of thing you're looking for, email me to set up a time to meet. I know I said I'd be there tonight at 10 pm but if more then one woman showed up it would cause confusion. Also I'd like to make sure you're not a weirdo before we meet.
Dear stripper, - m4wDear stripper who was cleaning my apartment in my dream just now, You were beautiful. 5?8? with perky breasts and an ass that I can only assume would have tasted like French Vanilla ice cream. You were cleaning and giggling and giving me the kind of looks that I only get from girls in? Well you know. I?m sorry I left. I want you to know that it wasn?t my fault. In fact I would still be in your supple, slender arms if it weren?t for my bumbling roommate charging abruptly into my room and yelling something about boots. I would try to go back to sleep but I know you are most likely gone forever, lost in the wrinkly gray of my subconscious, faded and faint. An attempt to reclaim you would probably just end in a dream that was totally similar but instead involved my grandfather?s new Thai wife and a vat of Karo. I?m sorry I left. I?m sorry I didn?t offer to help you clean. I?m sorry my roommate bought new boots. I?m sorry. Kyle
Homophobia is HOT! - w4mYou: Two guys in your 30s, both wearing gray pinstriped suits. Possibly lawyers based on your conversation. Me: Woman in my 30s, also wearing professional dress. Scene: A New Haven line MetroNorth train this morning. Action: I enter a crowded train. The only seats available are the middle sections of the three-seaters. I walk to the end of the car and say politely, ?May I sit there?? Guy #1 immediately moves over into the middle seat to continue his conversation with Guy #2. The problem: I realize when I go to sit down that Guy #1 hasn?t actually moved all the way into the middle seat. He is still about 6? away from Guy #2. This means I have to squeeze into 3/4 of a seat. I try not to breathe too deeply. It?s a good thing I don?t have a newspaper to open or I?d accidentally smash Guy #1 in the face while turning the page. But I keep my elbows to my sides and scroll through emails. Occasionally I shift but Guy #1 doesn?t budge. I resolve to go to Bikram yoga more often. You know, to lose all that water weight that's bulking me up. My realization: You were clearly concerned about allowing your thighs and shoulders to touch those of your friend. This is wise and I was being insensitive. A straight man should NEVER allow himself to have fully clothed, completely public, non-sexual body-on-body contact with a same-sex friend. Everyone knows that gayness is more communicable than swine flu. My proposal: Let?s have a threesome. Email me and we?ll get it on.
Looking for an average guy for average sexKeep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away. Don't even send me a pic of your penis. I'm a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I'm not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that's what you're looking for. Let's just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you're married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don't bother me. If you've ever experimented with men, I'm also not interested). I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning... maybe. Could be a regular thing. If this interests you and you're between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn't make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, mentally retarded, or both.
aw you leaving my moms house today... - m4wI saw your very sexy finely tuned ass leaving my moms house today. I cant remember your name but you took my van. I need that van back it was a gift from my dad, well I bought it kinda but he didnt give me the van for like a year but it is mine now and I need my van. You have very large breast that are always falling out your shirt. I think that your way hot and I want you. but seriously I need that van back... You where wearing funny shoes and a goofy pants that make your legs look skinny and your butt look big. Big and fine. I want to know you get a piece of that ass maybe more who knows. Your the kinda girl that I could dip in a vat of nacho cheese and lick clean. you have kinda long hair and a sexy nose. I know what your thinking how could a nose be sexy but yours is soo hot. I cant even control my self. But bring my van back and maybe we can go get some Popsicles on my debt card or sometime. I mean I live with my mother for crying out loud. And who in the hell gave you the keys to my van. It is a blue lumina chevy and the driver side door doesnt open and the mirrior is busted but I need that mini van back. And Iam pretty sure Iam in love with you. so if you see this tell me your name give me my van back and lets get some cold chicken and hummus from the albertsons and chow baby.
To the girl I had drunk sex with last night - m4wDrinking in the U-District sure is fun, isn't it! You can end up doing the craziest things! Such as getting drunk, and stumbling home with an equally drunk coed. Oh my God, I was so wasted. I don't remember meeting you. I don't remember taking the bus with you. I assume we took the bus, as neither of us were in any position to drive, and my apartment is a good five miles from where we drank, which would be far too long a walk when sober. I do remember briefly talking in the bar (although I don't know what about). I remember us naked in my living room. I hope we kept our clothes on until we entered my apartment. We drank some more at my place. I think. Everything is very hazy. You were hot, and a senior from a sorority. That's great. I think that made the sex better, somehow. Because I don't remember much, but I think we had amazing (albeit sloppy) sex, for a long while. May I take a second here to congratulate myself on staying hard despite so much alcohol. You did well, too. It was fun. Then we fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache and an inability to recall the previous night. You were gone when I woke up, all traces of you vanished. I was merely a one night stand for you. I don't regret it, though. I just have two questions. What's your name? And, can I please have my wallet back?
All I ever wanted was to be woken up by your car alarmNo really, the sound of your car alarm going off six..sometimes seven times a day is truly a comforting sound. I especially like when it goes off at 1:00am...and then again at 5:00am. THANK YOU so much! Usually after the worst day of my life, it's the first and only sound that I want to hear. I shouldn't be sleeping anyways as we all know that sleep is for the weak. My cat would also like to thank you. As if having his entire life uprooted and moved to a strange new place isn't traumatizing enough, he gets to listen to the piercing sound of your pride and joy telling the world that the wind has blown. It's alright though, since you've got me up so early, I have plenty of time to try to coax him out from underneath the bed before I leave for work to experience the next worst day of my life. I understand that protecting your belongings is important to you, but you're the fucking rudest person I've never met. If you don't fix that shit I'm going to do enough damage to get at least a full month of peace and quiet while it's in the shop.
Grammar PatrolI've been lurking for a while, but recently I've been too overcome by passion to remain in the shadows. Every time you post a correction to a previous post I get an enormous girl-boner. It's such a turn-on when you scour public listings looking for mistakes. Damn...is there anything hotter than pointing out the flaws of others? I don't know your exact identity, but I've seen clues all over town. Like the little correction marks on bathroom stalls. I'll admit that I've overstayed my welcome in said bathroom stalls. Those little circles and hatch marks got me so excited that I just sat there and fingered myself while other patrons pounded the door. You're right. That IS the wrong "your". Mmmmmmm....Bliss. Sometime I want to meet you in person. I'll bring my red pen and we can print out Missed Connections and giggle about how fucking stupid everyone is. Then maybe later we can circle the freckles and blemishes on our bodies. The mistakes that make us ugly. Make sure you get that big birthmark on my waist. If that was an English paper, I would never even pass Comp. 1. And the scar on my wrist is the equivalent of using a preposition at the end of a sentence. Fucking gross. I know you can fix me. Do they make White-Out in flesh tones? You and I both know that proper grammar is the most important factor in someone's attractiveness, and with a little work I know we can go together like Robert Frost and a high school reading response. Baby, we were meant for each other. Please thoroughly correct this post and send it back to me so I know it's really you.
Need 2 premoters, 2 cooks, 1 doctor and 4 strong men: Exp. SpacecraftI am in the final stages of completing an experimental space craft. This ship is a top secret project that has been worked on since the 1890s, passed on from generation to generation and will be a major turning point in the world's history. I am in no position at all to discuss the technology behind this craft because the technology is HIGHLY classified and we can't afford to have any military or government officials find out. We will be conducting our first test flight this December. We will be conducting a multitude of tests at various altitudes. The first test will be a few hundred feet, few thousand feet than sub atmosphere level. The final test will be conducted on March 25th, between Montreal and Mars. The trip will take about 2 hours there and back. The technology we use to hide the ship is advanced stealth technology. -- We need the following crew members to help us in the preliminary tests of the craft. - 2 promoters. You will be needed to promote the ship - 1 doctor. We have our own doctor on the team but we need 1 more. - 2 cooks. We need cooks for the test flights. - 4 strong men. General laborers to help in the cargo bay. All interested candidates will have to go through a very complex process. You will be sworn to secrecy and live in our compound until the ship is revealed in March 2010 on Mount Royal. Please apply now!
Application to be my BoyfriendMy Boyfriend Application and Test First, a little about me. I'm a 20-year-old good looking blonde attending University. I'm tired of wasting my time, so I have formulated some mandatory criteria in part A and part B is based on points. Part A 1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies, I?ll need to see a birth certificate. 2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception. 3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans. 4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course. 5) I can?t accept a regular drug user. Despite BC culture, I am including weed. 6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me. 7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines. You have to have lived in Victoria for at least two consecutive years. 9) You must have a photo which was taken in the last 3 months. 10) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher. If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend. Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet Part B 1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree. 2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points. 3) You?ve never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand. 4) You follow at least one professional sport. 5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you. 6) You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah?s Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic. 7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America. You don?t need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house. 9) You know how to cook a meal for two. 10) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like cuisine or bungee jumping. 11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don?t have to tell your friends). 12) You have a great sense of humour. Are people laughing with you, or at you? 13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer. 14) You work out and enjoy being physically active. I hit the gym regularly, you should too. 15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma. 16) You ride a motorcycle. I love to go riding. 17) You have a 5 year goal. 18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side. 19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your WoW buddies on the weekends. 20) You know how to dance. If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply. You MUST respond with your age (this is a creeper free zone, 20-26 year olds only please) and your picture. I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response.
Children's guillotineLooking to get rid of this childen's size guillotine, only used once. Has been cleaned and recently oiled, sure to make any child happy! Christmas is coming up soon so don't miss this one!!
Can I flush your head in a toilet while blasting Hall & Oates? m4wI want to flush your head repeatedly in the toilet while making love to your behind. Hall & Oates will be playing at top volume, at some point "Highway to the Danger Zone" will be played for sure. My house smells amazing and my penis is not sick or deformed. Don't act like you haven't thought about this exact scenario before.
the drudgery of adulthood for single, free-spirited lifeTired, achy, worn-down 39 year old seeks to trade one weekend with his 20 year old former self. 20 year old former self will get a gut, thinning hair, bills, a honey-do list a mile long, a soul-killing job, and the realization that it's going to be another 26 years to retirement. Tired, achy, worn down 39 year old will get a flat stomach, chest and arm muscles, a full head of hair, and access to keg parties and tipsy 18 year old college women. More than willing to make this a permanent thing.
Hipster girls of Austin - m4wI see you, cute hipster girls of Austin. I see you rocking that Deep V wheelset at the Thursday night social ride, or writing the next great American collection of poems at the corner table at Quack's, or browsing the Mamet archives at the Harry Ransom Center, or listening to the XX on your iPod at a bus stop because the Dirty Projectors are so two months ago. I see you with your wisely chosen and very artful and very sexy tattoos, your carefully-but-not-too-carefully maintained hair, perhaps with highlights of an unusual, biologically impossible color. I see you with your impeccably snazzy clothes, no doubt skillfully curated from countless Cream Vintage visits. And I just want all of you to know: you are all very hot. Every Pitchfork-reading, farmer's-market-shopping, liberal-arts-college-educated inch of you. I know I can never be with you, cute hipster girl. My bicycle has not only brakes, but multiple gears. It is, in fact, a hybrid, the fanny pack of the bicycle world. I am entirely free of tattoos. My facial hair is patchy at best, so I am unable to grow a beard. I live west of I-35. I am not a member of a lo-fi shoegaze indie pop band that sometimes gigs at Progress Coffee, and indeed I can't play any musical instruments. I can't even play the ukulele, the fanny pack of the indie rock world. I find Wes Anderson somewhat tedious, and I have not read a single issue of McSweeney's in anything even vaguely resembling its entirety. My jeans do not hug my legs, and I do not have a single stylishly retro vest or hat in my closet. I rarely listen to KUT or KVRX. Although I own a Moleskine, I have to be honest with you ? I don't really write in it that much. I went to the Chuck Close show at the Austin Museum of Art and I'm pretty sure I didn't get it. I shop at HEB and not Wheatsville. My appreciation of Hall and Oates is entirely non-ironic. I occasionally eat meat. But the biggest problem, hipster girl of Austin, is that you're just too intimidating in your good taste and vaguely-counterculture-but-not-threateningly-eccentric hotness for me to ever work up the pluck to talk to you. I know I will never be cool enough. Le sigh. But that's okay. You still brighten my vinyl happy hours at Waterloo Records and my Shangri-La visits. Thank you, hipster girl. You rock my world, and you make it look so easy. Carry on with your Bianchi Pista self. Location: Seemingly anywhere PBR is had.
Need a volunteer to give me a vasectomyWell, I do have health insurance, believe it or not. But it's useless to pay for a vasectomy, since I'm only 24. I've wanted one since I was 16. I have one kid already and don't ever want another (though I love the one I have, of course). Anyway, my doctor said it would be impossible until I'm 30 or have 4 kids. I'm hoping I don't have 4 kids before turning 30, but accidents happen. Would you like to stop accidents? Perhaps you are Christian and you hate abortion more than anything. Well, I guarantee you will prevent more than one abortion by snipping my vas. Perhaps you're a liberal and you hate seeing kids grow up in poverty. You get the drift. Yes, this is a serious post. Please reply only if you have experience doing vasectomies, and you are willing to do one "pro-bono". P.S. I called Planned Parenthood already. They want $500.
Iphone VS GirlfriendAs I type this, my boyfriend is on the couch, napping blissfully, his Iphone nestled to his chest. I remember the distant days when I was the one who nestled there, my head resting lovingly against his shoulder, but apparently because I don?t vibrate like a buzz saw every ten minutes to let him know that he?s gotten an email from Sears.com with great deals for Fall savings, he?s traded up. I remember when it was my shrill, piercing voice that delighted him, but no more. I?ve lost my favored status, displaced by a small, rectangular device that beeps incessantly at the most inopportune times?most of which are apparently no longer inopportune! God help me if I should turn to him while he?s engrossed in an episode of Two and a Half Men and say, ?I forgot to tell you about this lady I saw in the Food Lion today who was wearing hilarious pants??I would be judiciously shushed! But Iphone gets to say whatever it?s thinking any time it wants! Iphone can do no wrong! No matter what he?s in the middle of, no moment is too important to be interrupted by a text message from his Iphone letting him know that 90% of American currency has tested positive for trace amounts of cocaine, according to CNN.com. Should I be providing better content? Were I to turn to him while he?s watching TV and say, ?MEEEP Thursday?s forecast calls for morning clouds with a chance of afternoon thundershowers,? would he smile receptively, or nod with interest? I doubt it. I also don?t see what?s so useful about the real-time updates his Iphone provides on sports games and breaking news, when the information I provide is also in real-time?and personalized! Does his precious Iphone nag him when he forgets to give the dog his heartworm medicine? Does it remind him that it?s unattractive to drink soda straight from the bottle and then just put it back in the fridge? Does his Iphones angry rattle encourage him to start dinner right away because I?m going to be hungry when I get home? All right, I know when I?m beat. It?s time for me to take this to the next level, before he realizes that when his Iphone never has morning breath, steals the covers, or mocks his love of Entourage. So what do I have to do to win him back? Offer my services for a better monthly rate? Remind him of the convenience of his no-initial-fee, no-obligation contract with me? Ok, maybe there was an initial fee to join me, but I?m sure he?d say it was worth it. Or would he? After all, I can?t think of any new features I?ve added in the last few years, aside from a new haircut, or any upgrades to speak of?unless you count going up a pants size. Which I do. Possibly it?s time to fight fire with fire?or water. My boyfriend?s Iphone does seem to be getting a little smudged, due to his constant, loving caresses and attention. Perhaps it needs a bath. :]
To the guy doing my wife at my house - mw4mwTo the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry; I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife. 1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old. 2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you. 3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up. 4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks). 6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged. 7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts. 8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in. 9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share. 10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left. Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed. P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Sunset State Beach Camping on the 26th of September for two days; I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer. Thanks. This was not written by anyone named [deleted].
Reasons why I should be your girl: The punk/alternative edition.If you opened this post, chances are, you're curious as to what the title alludes to. Just to put this out there, I'm real - not a bot-generated pseudo sexpot trying to stick your computer with some of the e-herpes. I'm sick of dating insipid, ungrateful assholes. I'm not going to spew a bunch of bullshit like other ads saying that "OMG I NEED A REEEALL MAAN WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF MEEE". Truth is, I'm in college, you're (hopefully) between the ages of 18-23, and probably don't have a 9 to 5 white-collar job with a 401k that pays enough for you to drive your badass porsche. And you know what? That's fine with me. Anyway. Onto the whole "reasons" portion of my ad. I will give it to you in list form because that seems better than assaulting you with a wall of text. 1. I am smart enough to use big words in appropriate situations. 2. I have a mohawk. A fairly large mohawk, a few piercings, and can sport a pretty unpleasant scowl when necessary. no one's going to fuck with you if they see your girlfriend's some punkass bitch that could probably curbstomp their head in, right? 3. I am a legit bisexual, I've dated girls before. That means I've been on your side of this whole "relationship" thing. I am not going to try and imprison you with my compulsive girly insecurities. I'm not going to make you stop hanging out with your friends or prevent you from going to shows. I won't even tell you to stop guzzling nasty PBR or to put that fatass joint down long enough to have a coherent conversation. And I'm certainly not going to bitch about it to my other lady friends behind your back (unless you fail to share said fatass joint with me.) 4. I am well-read. I am very familiar with most pop-culture references (especially ones that deal with retro shit- my specialty.) so on the off chance that you're sober enough to drop some laugh-inducing reference to a terrible 80's move you saw when watching TNT the other day, I WILL ACTUALLY GET IT. 6. I love movies. I love HORROR movies, and the older/low-budget they are, the better. I think films such as Braindead, Army of Darkness, or Nekromantik are fucking hilarious. That means that you won't have to worry about spending precious money on movie theater dates, because chances are, I already bought/legally obtained that shit. The only exception would fall under Rocky Horror midnight showings. 7. I can sew and paint. That means I can make awesome patches of your favorite crust bands, then sew them onto your totally awesome punk rock jacket for you. I can also do deathrock, anarcho, and most psychobilly logos, too. 8. Remember the bisexual thing? I'm not going to bitch when you remark about how Kat Von D/Bettie Paige/Patricia Day/[insert other pinup model name here] is totally bangin'. In fact, I'll most likely agree with you and then continue painting the Crass symbol onto the back of your favorite black t-shirt. 9. I'm loyal. Do you know how hard it is to come accross a guy like you? Of course you don't. So if you really are the one-in-a-million, smart, funny, attractive, punkass shithead that I'm looking for, I will not be looking elsewhere. I promise! 10. I can cook anything for you, as long as a microwave is involved at some point. 11. Are you computer retarded? No problem. I pretty much rule at computers and can probably fix it for you! How useful is that?! 12. I enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke. Being a smoker isn't a necessity, but if you do smoke, that's pretty damn hot, so I'm not going to bitch at you to quit. 13. I am impressed by the little things. You don't have to buy me shit to make me happy. You don't have to clean up nice and take me out to a semi-fancy restaurant. You can continue to spit on the ground, make sarcastic remarks about how society "conforms to generalizations created by capitalist pigs", and laugh about skull-fucking dead babies. Being yourself is good enough. Just be able to come around and see me every once in a while, k? Hope that covers everything. If I'm the sort of classy broad that's worth your time, please feel free to message. I have a myspace, your pic gets mine, etc.
Wingman for Rent-cheap!It may seem to good to be true, but I'm glad to put my BS'ing skills to work for you! Need a Van Wilder to extract you from your Taj-like existence? Have trouble approaching that hottie at the bar? Afraid you'll get shot down by her bitchy friends (again)? This GUY is on your side (please see below). Are you/do you have the following condition(s) or defect(s) holding you back from gettin in touch with your Inner Pimp: 1. Slovenly 2. Smelly 3. Bad skinned 4. Poor teeth 5. Degree from Miami-Jacobs 6. Stuttering 7. Tourettes 8. Amputation(s) 9. Lazy eye 10. Hammer toe 11. Club foot 12. Tennis Elbow 13. Bowler's Wrist 14. Chronic Masturbater 15. Live in parents basement I can help! Finding it too difficult to get to the object of your heart's (or groin's) desire becuase you're being c-blocked by her 300-lb Lacrosse playing sober DUFF girlfriend? Let me be the one to run interference and distract that bitch so you can get in close and (hopefully) remind everyone why someone invented RU-486. For the low, low, price of $30/hr (4 hour minimum) I'll stand by your side until you select your target then I'll move in for the direct-marketing/introductions- and it will be all about you, you, you! No drinking/light drinking only for me- I wont get shitfaced and make a bad situation worse- Im on your clock and your dime. And no double-dealing- even if your ideal mate seems way more into me, hey...bidness is bidness. I got your back. As a special added bonus, pre-screening may be arranged with a sadistic group of bitchy women to evaluate your appearance and mackin' skillz. And you cant put a price on the type of knowledge these ho's will drop...truly cut-thoat hot cunts that will shamelessly point out every flaw you have. Ever seen a cat that gets ahold of and consequently shreds a shiny ribbon? Same idea, only the ribbon is your self-confidence. But from that horrifying experience we can possibly learn, and set you up for travelling down the road of unlimited poon and the crown of Mack Daddy/Mack Dawg/Mack Truck/Rock-Solid Ghettified Schiznit Pimp Master! Tired of waking up alone and NOT in need of a shower cause you failed to get any 'stank on your hang-low'? Envious of all your friends because they complain about yet another coyote-ugly limb-chewing she-male, yet another STD, or yet another unplanned pregnancy, all while you sit quietly on the sidelines? Let me help you get in the game! *no guarantees or warranties are expressed or implied that you'll actually achieve intimate contact. Poster not responsible for macing, tasing, STDs, arrests, incarceration, police brutality, unplanned pregnancy, or any other damages whether direct, collateral, or liquidated. Offer to be looked-over by bitchy friends is not an invitation for prostitution (as if..these bitches wont even give you the time, son), solicitation, snuggle-bunnies, sweaty-snuggle-bunnies, or leg-wrasslin'.* Payment up-front. (Ed. note: Im a guy. "But...why would a guy post in W4M?" you ask. Simple- you clearly need help otherwise you wouldnt be trolling CL personals. So please dont send me anymore cock pics, phone numbers, or messages with 'lets fuck tonight' in the subj. line. Thats why you're exactly the type of person Im trying to help.)
Craigslist w4m definitions and meaningsW4M "Baggage" - I can't deal with actual human beings "Curvy" - fat "Drama free" - I'm still bitter and involved with the last guy who got me pregnant "Love to laugh" - I am a boring as hell so hopefully you can make it entertaining "Looking..." - spam "Must love..." - spam "Partner in crime" - I'm as clever and interesting as a brick "Seeking..." - spam "Sensual" - fat "Something real" - spam "Treat me..." - fat black woman with a highly undeserved sense of entitlement No picture - fat Picture of sunset, flower, cocktail, eyes - fat Three or four sentence post of superficial crap with picture of cute or hot woman - spam "Not looking for sex" - I'll blow you Five paragraphs long post - I'm fucking insane M4W"see what happens" - I'm hoping for at least a fingerbang "down to earth" - boring "sincere" - needy "romantic" - needy "drama-free" - I need a vagina that won't bother me after I'm done with it No picture - I resemble a creature from Middle-earth Picture of anything else other than a person - I will give you an STD "Love to eat pussy" - Don't really know which part the pee or the baby comes out of "spoil you" - I hope you're into watersports "lets chat" - My other hand is on my erection "love [music, movies, tv]" - I'm a cultural retard "experienced" - one or two date rape convictions
Satanic Sexual RitualsLooking for a woman with evil appetites. We will have nasty, evil, sweaty, probably illegal sexual encounters in order to bring about the rise of Lucifer. (ie Satan) Must be willing to do all styles of sexual positions, except Missionary. That is the Lord's Way, and we will have none of that. Besides, if we do it Missionary, Satan gets angry and a kitten dies. I like kittens. Must be into anal. For that is Satan's Alley. Must like blow jobs (Swallowing Lucifer's Gravy) and Hand Jobs (Milking the Evil Goat) Must be into slight S&M (Safe word: Pink Sock) Must be into erotic and evil costumes and lingerie. Leather Thongs, spikes, boots, black and evil bras that accentuate your bosom, Boba Fett costumes. Must be willing to deep throat. (So that my satanic appendage will be closer to your black soul) Must be into strap-ons so that I may feel the "Power of Beezlebub" coursing thru my lower intestines. The perfect encounter will be this: Meeting you at one of our local eatery's. Plying you with ample alcoholic libations. Enjoying a nice piece of animal flesh. Tipping the waiter only 10% instead of 15 to 20% (Because we are EVIL!) Taking you back to my lair. Removing your Gothic Garb, laying you roughly upon my "Sacrifice Altar" (Twin size futon), and promptly begin to nibble on your Satanic Slit. (Please shave before the ritual, as it's hard to be evil when you got pubes stuck in your fillings) Whence you are all moist with the Power of The Dark Lord's Juices, I will remove my cape and trousers and proceed to fill you with the Sceptre of His Infernal Majesty. You will writhe in pleasure so deep, it will call forth the Evil One himself! After 4 to 7 minutes of the most intense sexual experience of your God Fearing life, we will perform a Satanic Snuggle, until you gently fall asleep in my powerful arms. If this taps into the Primordial Jelly you have buried deep down in your Dark Soul, then contact me and we will make beautiful, agonizing "love" together. We will combine our desires and perform rituals so evil, it will awaken the Evil Ancient One from His Firey Nap! He will spill forth from the Bowels of Hell like so much premature Satanic Ejaculate!! Hails to the Evil One!! Location: Santa Barbara
GIRL FROM GLORY HOLE AT ADULT BOOKSTORE - m4wI WAS THE GUY IN THE 3RD BOOTH, YOU POKED YOUR FINGER THROUGH THE HOLE, I FOUND IT WIERD THAT YOUR KNUCKLES WERE THAT HAIRY, BUT I UNDERSTAND HOREMONES. I PUT MY STUFF IN THE HOLE AND YOU WENT TO TOWN. IT WAS THE BEST I EVER HAD. YOUR HANDS WERE KINDA BIG AND WHEN YOU CLEARED YOUR THROAT, YOUR COUGH WAS KINDA DEEP. I KNOW YOU WERE A WOMAN BECAUSE I AM NOT GAY. I LOVE YOU A LOT AND WANT TO MARY YOU. I CAME BACK LATER, BUT THERE WERE ONLY GUYS IN THERE.
Cockroaches.I found four cockroaches in a box of Triscuit a few months back, I hate to have to get rid of them but I'm moving to a smaller place and won't really have the room for them any more. All four of them (Mingus, Dinky, Cleopatra, and Prickly Pete) are house trained and need nothing more than some rotting garbage and an occasional scratch behind the antennae. Rehoming fee of $15 each or $50 for all four, as I would like to see them all stay together.
US Congress just passed HR 1865, "FOSTA", seeking to subject websites to criminal and civil liability when third parties (users) misuse online personals unlawfully.Any tool or service can be misused. We can't take such risk without jeopardizing all our other services, so we are regretfully taking craigslist personals offline. Hopefully we can bring them back some day.To the millions of spouses, partners, and couples who met through craigslist, we wish you every happiness!
Passed House amended (02/27/2018)Allow States and Victims to Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act of 2017(Sec. 2) This bill expresses the sense of Congress that section 230 of the Communications Act of 1934 was not intended to provide legal protection to websites that unlawfully promote and facilitate prostitution and websites that facilitate traffickers in advertising the sale of unlawful sex acts with sex trafficking victims. Section 230 limits the legal liability of interactive computer service providers or users for content they publish that was created by others.(Sec. 3) The bill amends the federal criminal code to add a new section that imposes penalties—a fine, a prison term of up to 10 years, or both—on a person who, using a facility or means of interstate or foreign commerce, owns, manages, or operates an interactive computer service (or attempts or conspires to do so) to promote or facilitate the prostitution of another person.Additionally, it establishes enhanced penalties—a fine, a prison term of up to 25 years, or both—for a person who commits the offense in one of the following aggravating circumstances: (1) promotes or facilitates the prostitution of five or more persons, or (2) acts with reckless disregard that such conduct contributes to sex trafficking.A person injured by an aggravated offense may recover damages and attorneys' fees in a federal civil action.A court must order mandatory restitution, in addition to other criminal or civil penalties, for an aggravated offense in which a person acts with reckless disregard that such conduct contributes to sex trafficking.A defendant may assert, as an affirmative defense, that the promotion or facilitation of prostitution is legal in the jurisdiction where it was targeted.(Sec. 4) The bill amends the Communications Act of 1934 to declare that section 230 does not limit: (1) a federal civil claim for conduct that constitutes sex trafficking, (2) a federal criminal charge for conduct that constitutes sex trafficking, or (3) a state criminal charge for conduct that promotes or facilitates prostitution in violation of this bill.The amendments apply regardless of whether alleged conduct occurs before, on, or after this bill's enactment.(Sec. 5) The bill amends the federal criminal code to define a phrase related to the prohibition on sex trafficking. Currently, it a crime to knowingly benefit from participation in a venture that engages in sex trafficking. This bill defines "participation in a venture" to mean knowingly assisting, supporting, or facilitating a sex trafficking violation.(Sec. 6) A state may file a federal civil action to enforce federal sex trafficking violations.(Sec. 7) This section states that this bill does not limit federal or state civil actions or criminal prosecutions that are not preempted by section 230 of the Communications Act of 1934.(Sec. The Government Accountability Office must report to Congress on information related to damages and mandatory restitution for aggravated offenses under this bill.