THIS is too good ...
Dear stripper, - m4w
Dear stripper who was cleaning my apartment in my dream just now,
You were beautiful. 5?8? with perky breasts and an ass that I can only assume would have tasted like French Vanilla ice cream. You were cleaning and giggling and giving me the kind of looks that I only get from girls in? Well you know.
I?m sorry I left. I want you to know that it wasn?t my fault. In fact I would still be in your supple, slender arms if it weren?t for my bumbling roommate charging abruptly into my room and yelling something about boots.
I would try to go back to sleep but I know you are most likely gone forever, lost in the wrinkly gray of my subconscious, faded and faint. An attempt to reclaim you would probably just end in a dream that was totally similar but instead involved my grandfather?s new Thai wife and a vat of Karo. I?m sorry I left. I?m sorry I didn?t offer to help you clean. I?m sorry my roommate bought new boots. I?m sorry.
This seems like the logical answer, given the situation ...
Homophobia is HOT! - w4m
You: Two guys in your 30s, both wearing gray pinstriped suits. Possibly lawyers based on your conversation.
Me: Woman in my 30s, also wearing professional dress.
Scene: A New Haven line MetroNorth train this morning.
Action: I enter a crowded train. The only seats available are the middle sections of the three-seaters. I walk to the end of the car and say politely, ?May I sit there?? Guy #1 immediately moves over into the middle seat to continue his conversation with Guy #2.
The problem: I realize when I go to sit down that Guy #1 hasn?t actually moved all the way into the middle seat. He is still about 6? away from Guy #2. This means I have to squeeze into 3/4 of a seat. I try not to breathe too deeply. It?s a good thing I don?t have a newspaper to open or I?d accidentally smash Guy #1 in the face while turning the page. But I keep my elbows to my sides and scroll through emails. Occasionally I shift but Guy #1 doesn?t budge. I resolve to go to Bikram yoga more often. You know, to lose all that water weight that's bulking me up.
My realization: You were clearly concerned about allowing your thighs and shoulders to touch those of your friend. This is wise and I was being insensitive. A straight man should NEVER allow himself to have fully clothed, completely public, non-sexual body-on-body contact with a same-sex friend. Everyone knows that gayness is more communicable than swine flu.
My proposal: Let?s have a threesome. Email me and we?ll get it on.
At least she knows what she really wants ...
Looking for an average guy for average sex
Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away.
Don't even send me a pic of your penis.
I'm a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I'm not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that's what you're looking for.
Let's just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you're married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don't bother me. If you've ever experimented with men, I'm also not interested). I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning... maybe. Could be a regular thing.
If this interests you and you're between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn't make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, mentally retarded, or both.
This just made me totally laugh ...
aw you leaving my moms house today... - m4w
I saw your very sexy finely tuned ass leaving my moms house today. I cant remember your name but you took my van. I need that van back it was a gift from my dad, well I bought it kinda but he didnt give me the van for like a year but it is mine now and I need my van. You have very large breast that are always falling out your shirt. I think that your way hot and I want you. but seriously I need that van back... You where wearing funny shoes and a goofy pants that make your legs look skinny and your butt look big. Big and fine. I want to know you get a piece of that ass maybe more who knows. Your the kinda girl that I could dip in a vat of nacho cheese and lick clean. you have kinda long hair and a sexy nose. I know what your thinking how could a nose be sexy but yours is soo hot. I cant even control my self. But bring my van back and maybe we can go get some Popsicles on my debt card or sometime. I mean I live with my mother for crying out loud. And who in the hell gave you the keys to my van. It is a blue lumina chevy and the driver side door doesnt open and the mirrior is busted but I need that mini van back. And Iam pretty sure Iam in love with you. so if you see this tell me your name give me my van back and lets get some cold chicken and hummus from the albertsons and chow baby.
The end to this is the best ...
To the girl I had drunk sex with last night - m4w
Drinking in the U-District sure is fun, isn't it! You can end up doing the craziest things!
Such as getting drunk, and stumbling home with an equally drunk coed.
Oh my God, I was so wasted. I don't remember meeting you. I don't remember taking the bus with you. I assume we took the bus, as neither of us were in any position to drive, and my apartment is a good five miles from where we drank, which would be far too long a walk when sober. I do remember briefly talking in the bar (although I don't know what about). I remember us naked in my living room. I hope we kept our clothes on until we entered my apartment.
We drank some more at my place. I think. Everything is very hazy. You were hot, and a senior from a sorority. That's great. I think that made the sex better, somehow. Because I don't remember much, but I think we had amazing (albeit sloppy) sex, for a long while. May I take a second here to congratulate myself on staying hard despite so much alcohol. You did well, too. It was fun.
Then we fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache and an inability to recall the previous night. You were gone when I woke up, all traces of you vanished. I was merely a one night stand for you. I don't regret it, though. I just have two questions.
What's your name? And, can I please have my wallet back?
All I ever wanted was to be woken up by your car alarm
No really, the sound of your car alarm going off six..sometimes seven times a day is truly a comforting sound. I especially like when it goes off at 1:00am...and then again at 5:00am. THANK YOU so much! Usually after the worst day of my life, it's the first and only sound that I want to hear. I shouldn't be sleeping anyways as we all know that sleep is for the weak.
My cat would also like to thank you. As if having his entire life uprooted and moved to a strange new place isn't traumatizing enough, he gets to listen to the piercing sound of your pride and joy telling the world that the wind has blown. It's alright though, since you've got me up so early, I have plenty of time to try to coax him out from underneath the bed before I leave for work to experience the next worst day of my life.
I understand that protecting your belongings is important to you, but you're the fucking rudest person I've never met. If you don't fix that shit I'm going to do enough damage to get at least a full month of peace and quiet while it's in the shop.