Loaded-Gun.Com - Anti-Social.Com's Rejects!
General Category => Entertainment => Topic started by: Zoomie on April 09, 2009, 07:36:19 PM
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Funny shit.
Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML
Fuck My Life. (http://www.fmylife.com)
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Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers. FML
LOL
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8/10 for non-image based websites.
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
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i woulda shoved it up her ass
oh
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Today, I told my ex boyfriend I lost 20 lbs because of the stress of the break up. His response was "your welcome." FML
KYLE YOU CAN USE THIS
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Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML
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Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML
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These are great:
http://www.fmylife.com/sex (http://www.fmylife.com/sex)
Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy that works with me and for which I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until in the heat of the moment my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML
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Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML
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Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML
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Lowbrow was better.
Much better.
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Is this like Twitter, but actually funny or interesting?
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i love this site
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML
Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML
The next one is my favorite so far....
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
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Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife.
Most of them are extremely dumb.
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Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife. FML
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These are great:
http://www.fmylife.com/sex (http://www.fmylife.com/sex)
Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy that works with me and for which I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until in the heat of the moment my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML
Ha ha! Stupid bitch!
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Funny shit.
Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML
Fuck My Life. (http://www.fmylife.com)
Fake, probably just like all of these.
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Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife.
Most of them are extremely dumb.
The concept is dumb. Why would you have that? That would be like having Henny Youngman living in your house. After about a week the urge to kill would be overwhelming. Moderation, man.
Wait... it's you. NM.
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Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Oh man, I don't even remember submitting that.
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I want to believe this, but all of the grammar and syntax are the same. The delivery and punctuation as well. Seems like one person is witting this.
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One person reading alot of twitters.
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I want to believe this, but all of the grammar and syntax are the same. The delivery and punctuation as well. Seems like one person is witting this.
There's variations, actually.
I think that they're probably reviewed/editted by someone and corrected for spelling, to include the "Today" and "FML" bits, as well as other things.
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Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my ass and said, "Soon this will be stained with my seed." FML
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On a side note, I can SO see myself doing this:
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML
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Let's vote; who would this apply to?
Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML
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[banal]Bagman for the male part.[/banal]
[cheapshot]Danzig for the female part.[/cheapshot]
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Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my ass and said, "Soon this will be stained with my seed." FML
Nice one!
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Dude, this is fucking HOT!
Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She proceeded to ask, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML
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Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife. FML
Dahahahaha! That's very clever.
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My bot's better; you can play trivia with it ...
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my ass and said, "Soon this will be stained with my seed." FML
Nice one!
Thank you, I'll be here all weekend ...
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Let's vote; who would this apply to?
Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML
Bwa ha ha, bagman shit right there! You KNOW it's gonna happen.
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Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife.
Most of them are extremely dumb.
The concept is dumb. Why would you have that? That would be like having Henny Youngman living in your house. After about a week the urge to kill would be overwhelming. Moderation, man.
Wait... it's you. NM.
Not my bot.
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Is this like Twitter, but actually funny or interesting?
Yep!
Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife. FML
Dahahahaha! That's very clever.
Agreed.
Funny shit.
Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML
Fuck My Life. (http://www.fmylife.com)
Fake, probably just like all of these.
Same thing occurred to me. No way would it scan. But in response to that and this:
I want to believe this, but all of the grammar and syntax are the same. The delivery and punctuation as well. Seems like one person is witting this.
Oh well, who cares? They're funny.
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I want to believe this, but all of the grammar and syntax are the same. The delivery and punctuation as well. Seems like one person is witting this.
There's variations, actually.
I think that they're probably reviewed/editted by someone and corrected for spelling, to include the "Today" and "FML" bits, as well as other things.
We're one R short and two T's heavy here, people. FML.
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By my tally:
Missing - A, E, and 2 Rs
Extra - S, 2Ts
EDIT: FML.
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Oh bithc, bithc, bithc...
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Today, I babysat 3 year old twins. They have a huge dry erase board hanging inbetween their beds. After they fell asleep I drew a very detailed and large drawing of a penis. When I went to erase it I realized it was in Sharpie. FML
Sounds like a response I'd give to my ex:
Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML
This too:
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML
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Today, I used an airplane bathroom. I used a paper seat cover because I didn't want my butt to touch the seat. The seat cover clogged the toilet. I stuck my hand in and fished the seat cover out. I essentially stuck my hand into an airplane toilet because I didn't want my ass to touch the seat. FML
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Boy, DrugMoth's getting around when he's not posting here ...
No WONDER it's so AARP-like in his absence ....
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML
Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML
Today, I was masturbating to a video a friend sent me. The girls were hot, walking out on a stage doing all sorts of sexy manuevers. The video was close to ending and the announcer in the video announced the winner. His name was Dan. It was a drag competition. My friend knew I'd whack off to it. FML
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dumb.
shit.
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I have an FML from long ago that I just remembered cuz I'm reading the mother's day shit at fmylife.com:
Several years ago when I was at work I was hanging out with this co-worker and we joked around all the time. I said some "your mom" joke and he was like "My mom is dead". And I was like "Haha, fuck you, you're just saying that to fuck with me and make me uncomfortable" or something to that effect. He was like "No seriously", and I didn't believe him and kept joking around. His mom really was dead. Awkward.
One of my friends is an orphan, hence I never really got into the whole 'your mom' thing.
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I'm sorry, I laughed at this for 5 minutes ....
... thinking of tricky; sorry, Brook
Today, I was at walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong she said that I'd "killed her nose". FML
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hahaha ....
Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML
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I'm moved on from FML to Texts from last night.
Fits my style more as a drunk 20-something degenerate.
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Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML
Hmm... I wonder who this is.
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Mmmmm tender pork chops....
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Today, I gave my 7 year old a snowglobe.
I had spent the last week de-constructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together.
Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with."
FML
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Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML
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Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML
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i use to read my life is average a lot.
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Mmmmm tender pork chops....
On our first date i'll make you some delicious pork chops!
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I thought you were the tender pork chops?
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The two of you are ruining my concentration...
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I thought the fatties thread did that ...
Now pork chops?
Read our stupid banter around here much longer and you'll NEED that Viagra ...
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i use to read my life is average a lot.
I love that site, dislike fml though.
...although I did see a license plate with it on once.
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"My Life Is Average"?
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http://mylifeisaverage.com/ (http://mylifeisaverage.com/)
I can see why you had trouble.
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No, I figured as much ...
Just, is it really worth going to or is it more of the same kinda shit?
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Do you like your fucks to be average ?
but seriously. I didnt read it... The page format is the same, so I would assume it's just the same.
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I'll take average over terrible or none ....
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Me... It depends on how much work the average is.
If only I could find out before the deed...
~sigh.
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Yeah, you never know ...
If I know she's good, I'll put more effort; if I'm flying blind, I may or may not at all ...
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Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML
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Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. FML
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Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML
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THIS is how we roll here at AS/LG:
Today my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I could help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML
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Would Dylan or krsna keep fapping?
Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML
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Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML
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Do you use, like, "certain terms" to find this stuff, or what?!?
Your "THIS is how we roll" one?
Phucking Perfectly Priceless!
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Do you use, like, "certain terms" to find this stuff, or what?!?
Your "THIS is how we roll" one?
Phucking Perfectly Priceless
I put it thought google img filter off... it's l-g in imgs.
http://images.google.com.au/images?source=hp&q=Phucking+Perfectly+Priceless&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi (http://images.google.com.au/images?source=hp&q=Phucking+Perfectly+Priceless&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi)
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Today, some drunk dude broke into my house while my parents were out. Scared, I asked him what he wanted, his response was "cookies." FML
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Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML
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Who wouldn't do this one?
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML
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This makes Kyle not look so bad, eh?
Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML
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I need to meet a woman with that. When she wakes up I'd be done. Much less disappointment and humiliation that way.
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Right ...
I can't help but laugh at this one; It reminds me of how I picture this girl, Melissa's, mother:
Today, I told my mom I am bulimic and have been for a few years and that I need help. She responded by saying "Well that's clearly not working for you. Why don't you try anorexia." She then patted me on my head, smiled, and walked away. FML
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I'm SO going to use this (and wonder if Sasha has yet):
Today, I hooked up with this guy i really like for the first time. After, we were laying in bed listening to music. When the song finished he leaned over and said, "You know what you and that song have in common?" I smiled and said, "What?" He replied with, "You just got played, get out of my bed." FML
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This is when murder becomes legal:
Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML
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This too:
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML
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Who does this?
Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML
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This happened to me when eHarmony came out; we all HAD to take their big "personality test" ...
Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML
I know others here had the same thing happen ...
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Again, murder is allowed here:
Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML
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Zoomie, quit scarring the bitches:
Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have it off with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML
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Hahahahaha ....
Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML
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This happened to a friend of mine, actually:
Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML
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Pork Chops, just had em, yumm
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Speaking of which ...
Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML
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This happened to a friend of mine, actually:
Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML
I know someone that happened to, actually, only it was her mother and aunt switching roles. She only found out when she was 50-something and her "mother" died.
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Why Tru's kids live in other states:
Today, the cops showed up to check out a child abuse complaint, I then had to spend an hour explaining that I had given my son a suppository. The neighbors heard him sobbing hysterically "Daddy, why did you put that in my butt? It hurts." My neighbor had heard and thought I was raping my son. FML
Additionally, I'd prolly not be quite so upset about this one:
Today, our entire crew team was at a yoga studio for an introductory yoga lesson. All my teammates could talk about how hot the yoga instructor was in her tight spandex while doing the sexy yoga poses. Everyone, including the coach, wanted to do her. The yoga instructor is my mom. FML
Hahahahahaha .... Who's this remind you of?
Today, I finally got the chance to hook up with the girl I really like. She was naked, and as she was taking my pants off, she looked at my penis and said, "oh, I just remembered I have to babysit my little sister today." FML
Once again; legalize murder:
Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML
KYLE!!!:
Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML
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This happened to a friend of mine, actually:
Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML
I know someone that happened to, actually, only it was her mother and aunt switching roles. She only found out when she was 50-something and her "mother" died.
This just SUX ...
David, my son? Yeah, well, he's also my little bro, 'cuz my folks adopted him. To the world, at large, I was nothing but an UNfit Mother.
What is just too sad? I wasn't that UnFit ~ I WAS, however, that UNrich, and couldn't even afford myself.
Well, all anyway ...
I think about that. About if we just had everything we needed, how cool and easy it would all be.
Too bad I'm not the guy in charge ...
On ANOTHER Note:
Good GOD, Dave! Do You LIVE at FML??? I've been there, several times, and I NEVER find the gold you do!
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I only look at the "highest rated" ...
Most other stuff blows dog dick ....
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These are SO both me:
Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML
Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML
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So many of these fit Dylan:
Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend isn't gay. Apparently, I just give good head. FML
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There's an APP for that afterall!
Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML
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*watches Dave run right out to pick up an iPhone...*
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Doesn't Dave's phone automatically broadcast an "I NEED ANAL" text message every three hours already?
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Yep, to his entire contact list.
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That's called Grinder app.
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Hahahaha ...
Thanks ...
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Hahahaha!
Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML
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/me nods *
Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML
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Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML
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Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML
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Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML
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Hahaha great, like the old Johnny Fuckem Faster! "please mom I'm going as fast as I can".
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Hahahaha ...
I was ALWAYS worried about that happening with an old ex of mine and fucking her in her parents' house ...
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THIS:
Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML
... is gonna happen to SOMEONE I know, goddammit!
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Haven't watched the movie but I bet you are right.
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No, I'm going to MAKE IT happen to someone ...
My baby brother, Dan, is 41 today! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
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LOL!
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His girl was there, as were some young'uns ...
I'll get him with it yet ...
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Today, my wife is still not pregnant, but her sister is after the threesome we all had a few months ago. The threesome was my wife's idea, but I suspect I am still a dead man when it comes to whose fault it is. FML
Uhm ....
just .... Yeah ....
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I need to try this one ....
Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML
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Today, I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, when he jumped up and viciously sat on my face. I then heard, smelled, and tasted the most violent, horrific fart known to man. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth, and he can't stop laughing. I'm getting married to this guy. FML
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This is one of the post's profiles:
About Sapprentice
I try to be a very nice person, because people should be nice to each other. However, I honestly feel disdain and contempt for a lot of people. It makes me a bit of an a** sometimes. I apologize if I'm ever an a** to you. I'm getting married in a few months. My life has sucked for years, but maybe it'll get better soon. My fiance and I are planning on children soon after our wedding, and I'm really hoping I don't mess them up. Whatever my faults, I want to be a good mom. Text speak, poor grammar, and bad spelling all bother me. I refuse to type like that. I believe that all humans, including myself, are terrible monsters, and life is about trying to be a little less of a horrible person. That's about everything. I hope your day goes well.
Edit: I am happily married to my wonderful husband, and have become a very content mother. Life has never been so pleasant for me.
You know, she had me ...
until the end ....
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Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML
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Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML
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They are still funny but I don't think anyone reads them any longer.
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<<He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML<< He means AIDs all the way. Fag
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hah ....
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Today, I was working at my desk and wearing my new noise cancelling headphones. I couldn’t hear anyone around me, so I let out a nice long fart. Every desk behind me was occupied and the fart was not silent. FML
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Today, I wore leggings without underwear. When I got in the car after a busy shopping day, I realized that my pubes had poked through the fabric and my bush was on the outside of my pants. FML
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hah ....
LOL
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I can see myself doing this ....
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML
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Daddy issues, yet, high self-esteem?
Today, I found out that my dad has drunkenly told my sister more than once that he doesn’t love either of us, and even then he prefers her over me. All these years I thought I was crazy for thinking I had any kind of daddy issues, but I guess that must be why I’m a phenomenal fuck. FML
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Uhm .... Ouch?
Today, I had to awkwardly explain in a conference with HR, management, and my coworkers that the occasional bruises, cuts, welts, and choke marks are from consensual BDSM sex and NOT domestic violence. FML
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Same thing here ....
Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML
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Hahahaha!!!
Today, I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. After we got off of Supreme Scream, the ride attendant asked her, "How was it?" She pointed to me and said, "It's like sex with this man, my boyfriend; intense, then disappointing because it only lasts like 30 seconds." FML
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Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML
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Today, I carved a pumpkin for Halloween. I thought it would be cool to carve my name, and have it shine through onto the wall behind it. I figured that if I carved my name backwards then it would show up correct on the wall. My name's Lana and now my wall says Anal. FML
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Today, the guy I picked up made me bacon and a bagel for breakfast. I was so turned on by this gesture that we did it again in my kitchenette… Only this time, I was farting uncontrollably because I have celiac disease. FML
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Today, I carved a pumpkin for Halloween. I thought it would be cool to carve my name, and have it shine through onto the wall behind it. I figured that if I carved my name backwards then it would show up correct on the wall. My name's Lana and now my wall says Anal. FML
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Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML
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Today, I needed new business cards so I went to design and print some. After I designed, I was happy with them and printed off 100 copies. I live at a place called Canal Rocks. I forgot the 'C'. I now have 76 business cards which say 'anal rocks.' I already distributed 24. FML
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Today, I was filling out paperwork with my new doctor. During the questionnaire, she asked if I was sexually active. I said yes. She then asked, "What do you do?" I told her I normally did vaginal, but sometimes anal. She blushed and started to laugh. She was asking where I worked. FML
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Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that it’s weird to defecate into your hand and throw it from the shower into the toilet. FML
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Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML
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Today, I was at Walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong, she said that I'd "killed her nose." FML
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Today, I found out that the girl who I'm really into, and hoped to have a longer term relationship with, has caught threadworms, herpes, and COVID-19 from me. One way to get friendzoned. FML
"FriendZoned"?
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I want that title ...
Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal".
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Today, my mom filled out a Facebook post called, “If your kid was named after your pregnancy cravings, what would their name be?” Apparently my sister would be “Passion fruit and coal dust” and I’d be “Mint sauce and butt sex.” What the hell kind of cravings are those? FML
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Uhm, what did you do for work pre-pandemic?
Today, I caught my boyfriend with a prostitute. The prostitute actually got mad at me for yelling at him, because the few times he’s hired her, all he asked for was talking and cuddling, never sex. Her advice was I need to step up my emotional intimacy, because he’s clearly not getting it from me. FML
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Flip a coin?
Today, up until now, my baby sister has happily had over 100 sexual partners and has never had an STI or gotten pregnant. I had sex once in college, got pregnant with twins, caught syphilis ,and none of the men in our town ever looked at me sexually again. It’s been 17 years since I had sex that one time. FML
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Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair in a way that it looks like Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML