November 14th was the last time I had sex.

The first week or two were ok, mainly because I was sad and depressed and not very horny. But god dammit I'm sweating semen now. I've had a couple of wet dreams in in the past month and one day after I was in class with all those hot college coeds, on the drive back into Austin I stopped by a porn store and bought a $14.99 pocket pussy. The thing is almost worn out in some spots already. I'm 31 years old but man my nutsack has needs and I don't feel like I'm slowing down at all. Who has wet dreams at 31? WHO? I guess maybe because I was a late bloomer, everything is late?

I got the pocket vagina so that I wouldn't get back on Craigslist and start being careless again. I just whip it out and head to xvideos.com when I have the urge to reply to an ad on Craigslist.

I've gone nearly three years straight with as much sex as I wanted, and now to have zero action is killing me. I'm one horny bastard. Maybe I'll get lucky on New Year's. Of course that'll only happen if I get out and do something.

But how is it?

The pocket pussy?

It's eh, slightly better than my hand. Not really a substitute for the real thing, but I guess it's enough to stop me from trolling Craigslist... for now.

Who knew Fleshlights are $100+ bucks. I wanted the cheapest one there because I felt like a tool buying one, so maybe if I had gotten a Fleshlight it would be better.

I want one of those masturbation sleeves. They are liquid filled and weird but a green one would be perfect for the sculpture I'm mapping out.

My friend LOVES his FleshLight; I've noticed his lack of caring about females since he bought it ...

It didn't keep me away.

Thursday night I responded to a normal ad in the Women Seeking Men section of our favorite sleazy hook up site. I got a reply that Friday morning. The gal seemed interesting and cool but I hadn't seen a photo yet, and neither had she. A couple of friends and I were heading downtown to get drunk as shit and I told them about her. I told them that in my previous Craiglist engagements, when a girl doesn't post a picture she was actually hotter than when girls do post pictures. It was true for me. (Don't remember if you guys remember "L" or "R" - met them about 4 years ago). Anyway, one of my buddies was like man invite her out to drink with us so we can all see what she looks like. He was a firm believer that she must be a troll if she didn't post a picture. In her ad she said she was introverted, so I doubted she was going to come out with us.

She didn't. But she did e-mail me later that night, asking for my photo and asking if that was shallow of her. My buddies and I had a good laugh, and so I replied about midnight with a link to my OkCupid site. (Mind you we are still in the bar, and doing this from my buddies iPhone). She replies that she thinks I am really cute and we have a lot in common. Putting off sending me a photo... not a good sign.

Then, I swear to God this is what she sends:



She looks like a Garbage Pail Kid. I mean really, how did she expect me to react? She sent a follow up e-mail and another one an hour later and two hours later, after I didn't reply, with a couple of other pictures and she's a troll. She texted me a couple of times over the weekend (mistake sending her my phone number when I invited her out downtown with us.) Then I get an e-mail today, which actually makes me feel a little bad for her...

"Hey I am sure this is a big no no, but I am dying of curiosity. Am I really that unattractive? I have thought of myself as at least mildly cute...I don't really expect a response. Best of Luck."

She's a desperate girl who can't understand why I wouldn't reply to any e-mails or texts after she sent me her photos, and after we had only exchanged two e-mails anyway.

I'm done with the List.

I've got my profile brimming full of photos and info on OkCupid and there are a lot of really cute girls who seem pretty rad that I should be e-mailing instead.

That has got to be a put on or a sting.

That's ..........
................................................... yeah

send her over to Danzig.

also OKC. oh dear lord. i swear about 99.9% of the dudes on that website are fugly as fuck.

Critique my profile please: bagman

Hit me hard with the feedback. If there's something creepy in there, help me out. I don't really know how to make a legit dating profile when all I'm used to is a few e-mails back and forth on Craigslist and then meeting up. Is my cat in there faggy or is it sweet?

I've put serious time into typing crap in and uploading photos and whatever. But because of that, I've been too lazy to actually send any e-mails out. It's also, that I am not looking for another relationship right now, and I feel like many of the girls on OkCupid may be.

She's a desperate girl who can't understand why I wouldn't reply to any e-mails or texts after she sent me her photos, and after we had only exchanged two e-mails anyway.

I'm done with the List.

I've got my profile brimming full of photos and info on OkCupid and there are a lot of really cute girls who seem pretty rad that I should be e-mailing instead.

I just want to step forward, since no one else is, and point out that you were a desperate guy who was doing the same kind of shit as that girl a few years back.  All that's really changed since then is you've switched to another site; you're still trawling the 'net looking for ladies.

Critique my profile please: bagman

Hit me hard with the feedback. If there's something creepy in there, help me out. I don't really know how to make a legit dating profile when all I'm used to is a few e-mails back and forth on Craigslist and then meeting up. Is my cat in there faggy or is it sweet?

I've never actually looked @ an OkCupid site.  The "Similar Users" section is really weird.

Also, I'm *positive* you've lied somewhere, or this guy is a rapist:
cyclethiscity - Austin, Texas - more desiring of sex

Your grammar is crazy.  You leave out the "I's" in the first part, and you put a lot more commas than are strictly necessary.
Don't say you have a goofy smile.  That's stupid.
depending on the girl, being good at "Making plans and not always sticking to them." will either sound spontaneous or flakey.

Overall, your profile has a "depression" tone to it.  from the movies, shows, and art that you like to the things you think about.  i read it and said "this guy is depressed, and trying not to be."

you'd really date a 34-year-old?  THAT'S SO OLD.  They'll want to go to sleep before 9pm.

finally, back on-topic:  if you're going to buy hardware for anything, you should make sure you're getting the best you can afford, not just what will fill the immediate need.  this is a fundamental rule for anything you buy.

Gawdammit I've missed you Lucas. Come to FL for a weekend. No laptops to fix, no parties to help prep. Just take the top off the Jeep, chill at the beach and drink some beers.

Florida is a weird, weird place. I often wonder what I would be like if my dad had gotten custody and I stayed there. The 6 months I did live there (Okeechobee) in 2nd grade I lived in a double-wide with a hole in the floor that I fed scraps to my dog through.

Ok, so I've removed 4 or 5 commas throughout my profile.  I also added in a few more uplifting movies that I enjoy. I axed the "goofy smile." They can just look at my main photo to see that. I actually chose that as my main photo because I am smiling. Girls like a guy who shows a little emotion. Most of the photos I have of myself are typical guy style; smile-less. But I do enjoy dark things. For instance I could have put these films in: The Machinist, City of God, Withnail and I, Freaks, The Human Centipede (only the first sequence), Blue Valentine, 1000 ways to die (show), 21 Grams, Crash.

Netflix top 5 genres for me when I login: "Dark Suspenseful Psychological Movies", "Mind-bending Independent Sci-Fi and Fantasy", "Thrillers", "Critically-acclaimed Scary Movies", "Cerebral Foreign Horror Movies"

Anyway, I need a girl's opinion on the profile because they matter more. Actually... I just need to message a girl on there and see what happens. Novel idea.

Well, Lucas is right; I thought the same things that he did ...

If he's trying to attract straight dudes, he's doing a bad job of it.

Where are the obviously-supressed daddy issues?!  NOWHERE.

Gawdammit I've missed you Lucas. Come to FL for a weekend. No laptops to fix, no parties to help prep. Just take the top off the Jeep, chill at the beach and drink some beers.

I bet you're just drunk. 

I could do a weekend in Florida, I think.

I had a friend write my profile, then I edited it.  I think that's easier than trying to write it yourself.

It's too easy to dwell on things that a potential partner isn't interested in at the initial "should I date this guy?" stage.

I bet you're just drunk. 

When has that EVER made a difference? Fly into SWFL International. It's as close to me here as BWI was in Glen Burnie.

... or JAX and we can ALL partay!

Getting a little excited. I actually sent out a couple of messages on there and have started up a conversation with a cute 22 year old who just moved to Austin. Whoot!

Go, you!

Yeah, I agree w/all points posted, so, I won't elaborate any further ...

The reason I didn't leave anything blank under the My Details section (like my sign and income) is because I am OCD. I don't like seeing fields that aren't filled out. haha. I'm serious. It bothers me.

Thanks for the comments and critique. I'll look through my profile this weekend and tweak it as I see fit.

So the girl who's just moved to Austin and I have been e-mailing every day since Sunday, and I just asked her out. I'll probably fuck it up, but that's the bagman way.

This is her:

redex

wow, how did you manage to screw that image link up so much.

I have no idea.

if it doesnt work out, send her my way.