Funny shit.

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

Fuck My Life.

Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers. FML

LOL

8/10 for non-image based websites.

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

i woulda shoved it up her ass

oh

Today, I told my ex boyfriend I lost 20 lbs because of the stress of the break up. His response was "your welcome." FML

KYLE YOU CAN USE THIS

Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

These are great:
http://www.fmylife.com/sex

Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy that works with me and for which I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until in the heat of the moment my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

Lowbrow was better.

Much better.

Is this like Twitter, but actually funny or interesting?

i love this site

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

The next one is my favorite so far....

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife.

Most of them are extremely dumb.

Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife.  FML

These are great:
http://www.fmylife.com/sex

Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy that works with me and for which I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until in the heat of the moment my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML

Ha ha! Stupid bitch!

Funny shit.

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

Fuck My Life.

Fake, probably just like all of these.

Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife.

Most of them are extremely dumb.

The concept is dumb. Why would you have that? That would be like having Henny Youngman living in your house. After about a week the urge to kill would be overwhelming. Moderation, man.

Wait... it's you. NM.

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Oh man, I don't even remember submitting that.

I want to believe this, but all of the grammar and syntax are the same. The delivery and punctuation as well. Seems like one person is witting this.

One person reading alot of twitters.

I want to believe this, but all of the grammar and syntax are the same. The delivery and punctuation as well. Seems like one person is witting this.

There's variations, actually.

I think that they're probably reviewed/editted by someone and corrected for spelling, to include the "Today" and "FML" bits, as well as other things.

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my ass and said, "Soon this will be stained with my seed." FML

On a side note, I can SO see myself doing this:

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML

Let's vote; who would this apply to?

Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

[banal]Bagman for the male part.[/banal]

[cheapshot]Danzig for the female part.[/cheapshot]

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my ass and said, "Soon this will be stained with my seed." FML

Nice one!

Dude, this is fucking HOT!

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She proceeded to ask, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife.  FML

Dahahahaha! That's very clever.

My bot's better; you can play trivia with it ...

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my ass and said, "Soon this will be stained with my seed." FML

Nice one!

Thank you, I'll be here all weekend ...