Let's vote; who would this apply to?

Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

Bwa ha ha, bagman shit right there! You KNOW it's gonna happen.

Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife.

Most of them are extremely dumb.

The concept is dumb. Why would you have that? That would be like having Henny Youngman living in your house. After about a week the urge to kill would be overwhelming. Moderation, man.

Wait... it's you. NM.

Not my bot.

Is this like Twitter, but actually funny or interesting?

Yep!

Yeah, on IRC we have a bot that, among other weird triggers has an !FML trigger that reads and then spams quotes from Fmylife.  FML

Dahahahaha! That's very clever.

Agreed.

Funny shit.

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

Fuck My Life.

Fake, probably just like all of these.

Same thing occurred to me. No way would it scan. But in response to that and this:

I want to believe this, but all of the grammar and syntax are the same. The delivery and punctuation as well. Seems like one person is witting this.

Oh well, who cares? They're funny.

I want to believe this, but all of the grammar and syntax are the same. The delivery and punctuation as well. Seems like one person is witting this.

There's variations, actually.

I think that they're probably reviewed/editted by someone and corrected for spelling, to include the "Today" and "FML" bits, as well as other things.

We're one R short and two T's heavy here, people. FML.

By my tally:
Missing - A, E, and 2 Rs
Extra - S, 2Ts

EDIT: FML.

Oh bithc, bithc, bithc...

Today, I babysat 3 year old twins. They have a huge dry erase board hanging inbetween their beds. After they fell asleep I drew a very detailed and large drawing of a penis. When I went to erase it I realized it was in Sharpie. FML

Sounds like a response I'd give to my ex:

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

This too:

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

Today, I used an airplane bathroom. I used a paper seat cover because I didn't want my butt to touch the seat. The seat cover clogged the toilet. I stuck my hand in and fished the seat cover out. I essentially stuck my hand into an airplane toilet because I didn't want my ass to touch the seat. FML

Boy, DrugMoth's getting around when he's not posting here ...
No WONDER it's so AARP-like in his absence ....

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

Today, I was masturbating to a video a friend sent me. The girls were hot, walking out on a stage doing all sorts of sexy manuevers. The video was close to ending and the announcer in the video announced the winner. His name was Dan. It was a drag competition. My friend knew I'd whack off to it. FML

dumb.




shit.

I have an FML from long ago that I just remembered cuz I'm reading the mother's day shit at fmylife.com:

Several years ago when I was at work I was hanging out with this co-worker and we joked around all the time.  I said some "your mom" joke and he was like "My mom is dead".  And I was like "Haha, fuck you, you're just saying that to fuck with me and make me uncomfortable" or something to that effect.  He was like "No seriously", and I didn't believe him and kept joking around.  His mom really was dead.  Awkward.

One of my friends is an orphan, hence I never really got into the whole 'your mom' thing.

I'm sorry, I laughed at this for 5 minutes ....
... thinking of tricky; sorry, Brook

Today, I was at walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong she said that I'd "killed her nose". FML

hahaha ....

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML

I'm moved on from FML to Texts from last night.

Fits my style more as a drunk 20-something degenerate.

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

Hmm... I wonder who this is.

Mmmmm tender pork chops....

Today, I gave my 7 year old a snowglobe.

I had spent the last week de-constructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together.

Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with."

FML

Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML

i use to read my life is average a lot.

Mmmmm tender pork chops....

On our first date i'll make you some delicious pork chops!

I thought you were the tender pork chops?

The two of you are ruining my concentration...

I thought the fatties thread did that ...
Now pork chops?

Read our stupid banter around here much longer and you'll NEED that Viagra ...

i use to read my life is average a lot.

I love that site, dislike fml though.
...although I did see a license plate with it on once.

"My Life Is Average"?

http://mylifeisaverage.com/

I can see why you had trouble.

No, I figured as much ...
Just, is it really worth going to or is it more of the same kinda shit?

Do you like your fucks to be average ?

but seriously.  I didnt read it... The page format is the same, so I would assume it's just the same.