i'm sorry to y'all, in advance, about this, but i need to talk about it...

My mom died, early Son-day morning (we think ~ my dad was passed out, drunk, beside her, so we'll never know).

For the past 25 years, i have said that the only thing i want when she dies is her diamond ring, which she loved and wore for the past 30 years.  She promised it to me, and has said something to everyone in the family about it being for me.

When i went to the ranch, whatever day, my dad informed me that my mom's last wishes were that i NOT get this ring, for fear it would end up in a hock shop.  (To give the devil his due, Dear and i have been having to hock stuff off, in order to afford fuel money for visiting ~ $20/trip, plus donuts that i always bring, plus whatever they need from the store, which is about 25 miles from the ranch).

But he calls, and says he needs me to go through my mom's clothing, and get rid of it and her cosmetics.  That seems sort of weird, but some folks just can't stand to have to look at the other person's stuff ~ it hurts too badly...

Anyway, i show up, my bro shows up, with his sons, my son is there, and my dad makes this announcement.

i honestly almost passed out, it hurt so badly.  That he would do that, take the only thing i wanted and make it something, idk, like "coveted."

When all of the shit at the first Rehab initially started, i called my bro for some help, and HE flatly refused to come and hear what was going on, and stand up about it.

My son, whom my folks raised and adopted, won't be making an appearance at the Memorial for my mom, which my dad REFUSES to host, so my aunt, who is 5 years older than they are is having to do it.

i'm sick.  My heart is shattered, as only your own family could do.  i feel like i've been betrayed, stolen from, and lied to, and it kills.  It's sure killed part of me, i can tell you.

Anyway, sorry about any drunken, stoned posting i might do, and any "taking-things-to-heart" stuff.  This is part of why i've been being such a Drama Queen, i suspect ~ it's all been going on since the beginning of this year, Jan 4.

To put icing on the cake, Dear is worried to death about me, doesn't want me drinking, nor smoking herb, NOR smoking cigs ~ yes, we're THAT broke, and yes, my health is that fragile.  He's worried about me going into an hepatic coma (liver overload), but i'm not, so much.  Going to sleep for a couple of months sounds pretty nice, right about now.  But i'm not doing it to kill myself ~ there are much faster, easier ways ~ just trying to deal, in the ways i know of.

<sigh>

Hey!  And thank y'all for your understanding.

Wow, your dad is being a dick. More so than you told us. Sorry Fyre. Take solace in the truth that he's gonna kick it soon and then you'll probably get a piece of the ranch. And I'll come build you a house. Or a boat. I can do both.

Ever since i heard this song, i knew it was for my dad, from me:

Phil Collins I dont care anymore Live Peru 95

i wish it could be true, that i could just not care anymore.  It doesn't work like that, unfortunately.  Even when your heart is shattered, you can't turn your back on someone, if they need you, and he will.  i'm pretty much all he has left that will stand up to him, and fight the good fight.  And in his TOTALLY dysfunctional way, i think he actually loves me, and he can't see that his love is killing me, but it's the only way he knows.

THAT's the sadness of life.  Even after your heart is broken, life still goes on...

Wow, your dad is being a dick. More so than you told us. Sorry Fyre. Take solace in the truth that he's gonna kick it soon and then you'll probably get a piece of the ranch. And I'll come build you a house. Or a boat. I can do both.

A?  Ever since the question of a will has come up, i've always said that whatever was to be for me, needed to just be left to my son/their son ~ a flow-through, as it were.

Before the ring announcement, he made it clear that i would have NO CLAIM, to ANYTHING, unless he offered it before his death, and i took it (he offered the entire rest of the contents of my mom's jewelry box, worth quite a bit of money, but i won't take anything, save what i know she particularly wanted me to have).  No part of the ranch, no right to live there until i die, no money, no nothing, which suits me.  i didn't want money, nor things.  i wanted friendship.

One thing of his that i MUST have for my rememberance of him?  A poster, of a flasher standing in front of a carved statue, that says:  Expose Yourself to Art.

It's worth nothing, and it's worth everything, 'cuz that is him, at his best.  The humour, the intelligence.

Yeah, it's been really bad, and i've been behaving badly, and i can't thank YOU enough for having me here, where my craziness is sort of corralled!  lol

Go completely nuts here. You've earned it.

Go completely nuts here. You've earned it.

You are too sweet!

Don't go out in the rain, okay?  YOU'LL MELT!!!  lol

I'm sorry to hear this


Make sure you look after yourself, yo

You have my condolences.

My own mom died 9 years ago last month. Do what I do when someone close to me passes over. Shed a tear, stand tall, and go see a movie.

Thank you, so much.  All of you.

i'm damaged goods, i know.  But folks like y'all make me feel almost normal...

sort of.

lol

Hey, Zoomie will fuck you in the ass if it'll cheer you up.

Hey, Zoomie will fuck you in the ass if it'll cheer you up.

For REAL?  With his teeny weeny?

i'm SO THERE!

Hey!  If you're going to do anal, SMALL is better!  rofl

Oh, yeah, and LOTS of KY...

Hey, Zoomie will fuck you in the ass if it'll cheer you up.

Don't help me, Brah.

Sorry man, I'm a helper.

Sorry man, I'm a helper.

It's a "calling," bro!

Im sorry to hear that.
Family can be such assholes, sometimes.

Take care of yourself.

Yeah, well THAT's the hard part...

My dad can push ALL my buttons, and i sort of need to be in a semi-functional coma for a bit.

Hey.  It's only for a season, and it WILL be gotten over.

It's just that right now, i'm a drama queen, and i'm sort of falling apart, and i'm trying to distract myself,

and, and, and

<~ STFU'ing

Oh, hey!  Before i ACTUALLY STFU, i do want to thank y'all for the good vibes/prayers/candles/human sacrifices/etc. y'all have sent my way!

and it just gets better and better...

My dad "invited" me out, saying he just couldn't "stand for our relationship to be in these tatters."

i was going to take a "personal day," my mom's wake was yesterday, but i had gotten to bed, nice and early, and SOBER, just tired, so when i awoke this morning, i felt pretty good, and called to see if i could come today, in case it took more time than at first anticipated ~ in case he needed to talk, tbh, i'm not so numb yet that i don't realize that's he's hurting, too.

Anyway, i show up, say good morning, mill around with him, get myself a drink of kool-aid/crystal light stuff, take a sip, and go to sort through her stuff.

i thought i'd begin with her clothing and cosmetics, the big stuff, but when i walked into the room, ALL of the jewelry she kept on the top of her jewelry box was gone.

My brother and sister-in-law had "stopped by" on their way home from the wake, cleaned it out, COMPLETELY, not knowing what my mom's wishes were for certain pieces, many of which are extremely valuable.

During all of this, Dear and i have had to "hock" certain things, because of health reasons (i can't work due to a combination of probs) ~ we were both in the hospital, last month, me for emergency IV Antibiotics, and Dear for 6 days.

That's cost us some money, and each of these trips i make to the ranch costs at least $20 in fuel, which we did not have scheduled into our budget. (My dad knows this, buts chooses to let me fend for myself.)

To me, it feels like he's put me in a lose/lose situation: i can't do anything without extra money, but he won't help with that, AND make's it impossible for me to stay there for longer than about 3 hours, before starting to push my buttons, and then throwing me out.

It's sad, sad.

This is all beginning to be the end of my family. i could easily see us all just going our separate ways, and not even knowing when each other got sick, nor died.

My mom was the glue, because no one can get along with my dad, and we're all messed up, from life and what's gone before.

And when you're hocking stuff for fuel and food? There isn't any left over.

If you pray, we'd sure appreciate some prayers for, like, winning the Lottery! Of course, the ticket would pretty much need to blow up into the yard, since we can't exactly afford THAT, either, but i always pick up the stuff that gets away from other garbage dudes on our trash days, so one never knows!

Next month, we'll be pretty well caught up, with more than we had left over this month, we just got behind, and idk how this happens, but it seems to take THREE times as much money to catch up, as it would have just to have paid the bills in the first place.

We couldn't think we're too starving ~ we've still got internet! lol

Thank you for the good vibes/prayers. THAT is what i truly need, and it DOES mean something to me.


Of course, if you'd like to send, like, a case of Carolan's Irish Cream, i probably wouldn't just refuse delivery...  ha ha ha ha ha