I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...

It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body

I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?

If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.

Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law

Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome

havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.

=I’m home.
=I’m aware. I just dropped you off.

Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.

not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!

I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.

WINNER THIS ROUND:

Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?

RUNNER UP:

I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..

2ND RUNNER UP:

soo... how was my night?

She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"

Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.

I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”

its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one

You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog

Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?

I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass

Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina

=hi
=YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
=Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.

WINNER THIS ROUND:

I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.

RUNNER UP:

You have my heart. You only share my vagina.

the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.

I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.

Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!

He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.

Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.

I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.

Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself

WINNER THIS ROUND:

I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.

RUNNER UP THIS ROUND:

=Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
=Fuck you for even being able to ask that question

2ND RUNNER UP:

You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.

HONORABLE MENTION:

=I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
=I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???

I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.

Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?

You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.

Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?

This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.

You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you

Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.

=I don't know what to say to you.
=I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.

if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.

My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?

How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?

also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..

Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls

I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!

WINNER THIS ROUND:

Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.

RUNNER UP:

i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober

2ND RUNNER UP:

That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon