I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
EDIT - THRASH: Edited Title And Links

I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking

My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!

My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens

I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.

Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.

.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.

I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!

No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder

They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!"

Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.

Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that

I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!

My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this

She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.

If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.

If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has

I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door

You fucked him, didn’t you?

He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!

Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.

Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.

You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?

It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!

He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.

Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??

CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. Worst case scenario we get a rental penis

I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.

(603):
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.

I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?

For (From) Zoomie:

There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.

So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...

I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.

I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.

Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again

I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.

- Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
- I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
- The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!

Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.

This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.

- Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
- It’s a glorious dick miracle!

Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows

KYLE!:

- I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
- I always knew youd fuck a cat lady

Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.

This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me

I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.

Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool, it’s cock o’clock!

- Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
- OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!

I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.

Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb

Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend

- I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
- I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat

- God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
- I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.

Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.

I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.

He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him

- But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
- One?
- ONE! And it was was glorious!

she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night

He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.

This one has SO many levels (I'm not even sure THEY fully understand) ...

Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy

And this one .... Well ....

In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.

Fucking GENIUS!!!

She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

This too ...

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

This was me at one point:

- I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then D. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
- He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

THIS:

I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.

Yep ...

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

- Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
- Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.

Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science

I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.

Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.

so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one

- She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
- That wasn't a compliment.

THIS .... THIS IS ME!!!

- I don't like kids.
- You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
- I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.

Ha ... I know this type ...

-He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
-Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
-Noooo he’s listed as free food #5

Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.

Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again

The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.

I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare

Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.

Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.

You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.

=New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
=Peter this is your "ex"
=I stand by what i said

Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.

when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.

After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.

=its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
=want fries with that?

Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.

one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor

For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.

It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...

Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.

Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.

Gotta admit I chuckled at several.

I only post the ones that make me chuckle ....

The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF

He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn

Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.

It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.

mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"

he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa

I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you

haha

I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you

I was just thinking about this fucking yesterday, I'm not a big fan of the Waldo series, but I know that it is well known,
I was thinking dress up like Waldo and just hang out at busy corners and shit. See what happens.

Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is

I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities

Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.

You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?

This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right

On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.

HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.

=He's hot, clean, can actually cook, is from Texas, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
=Ride that fucker off into the sunset.

You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.

=i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
=dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.

WINNER THIS ROUND:

don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it

haha

I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you

I was just thinking about this fucking yesterday, I'm not a big fan of the Waldo series, but I know that it is well known,
I was thinking dress up like Waldo and just hang out at busy corners and shit. See what happens.

Hahahahaha ....
That's the kind of shit I'd do ...

=She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
=Don't you live in 4c?

I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!

i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink

You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.

I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?

Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping

Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now

WINNER THIS ROUND:

=how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
=i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.  I'm not sure if the two are related.

What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?

Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?

If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.

in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly

I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining

Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.

You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.

WINNER THIS ROUND:

You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?

it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here

Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...

will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?

I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.

Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?

i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.

please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors

I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven

WINNER THIS ROUND:

Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats

RUNNER UP:

If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.

SECOND RUNNER UP:

=Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
=Dude she has a friend!!!!

These are fairly humorous sir. Keep going.

For Tru:

I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.

It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything

I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.

"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.

so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him

You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".

=Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
=It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.

=You planned on giving him head in the shower?
=More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there

Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car

why does every cop we meet know your name?

You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?

You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.

I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."

i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?

Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...

=i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
=what's the verdict
=i've been scrubbing my vag all morning

=Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
=Oh, wait.. That's you.

=Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
=Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?

Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..

She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"

=When are you getting back?
=Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days

He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..

=I'm really stressed out right now.
=I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".

You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom

Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.

Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.

We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.

WINNER THIS ROUND (Because I can't figure out the narrative):

I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl

RUNNER UP:

=Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
=If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party

SECOND RUNNER UP:

She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea

HONORABLE MENTION(ING OF DANZIG):

The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"

BEST LINE OF THIS ROUND:

ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.

OPPORTUNITY LOST:

It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.

He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...

I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...

Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!

=Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
=Free beer.
=..pick me up at 8.

=Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
=We would have so much to talk about!

=I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
=Which part?

The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.

=I miss my innocence.
=I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."

Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.

Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.

WINNER THIS ROUND:

Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina

RUNNER UP:

My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.

SECOND RUNNER UP:

Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole

well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah

By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.

=What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
=Shame?

The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun

=He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
=Chivalry really is dead.

Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.

no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!

I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina

She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.

I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.

You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party

WINNER THIS ROUND:

=Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
=Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.

RUNNER UP:

we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.

SECOND RUNNER UP:

=I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
=No actually I had socks on...

GOOD IDEA OF THE DAY:

I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?

we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.

I can relate to this situation.

Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night

I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min

sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to

I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill

I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?

Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.

Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.

I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out

Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.

=I'm keeping him.
=Sex was good?
=I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.

They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.

I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...

not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class

We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.

Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last

"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award

I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex

So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.

I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.

WINNER THIS ROUND:

How did I end up with the cock ring?!

RUNNER UP:

What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots

SECOND RUNNER UP:

=and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
=Ruff night.

HONORABLE MENTION:

The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".

we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.

I can relate to this situation.

You wanna be fucked like a gutter slut?

if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"

Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.

Bring vodka when you get back from court.

color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls

How ironic... opening your legs for closure.

If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.

What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?

In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....

how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian

So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.

She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"

My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.

When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?

=Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
=WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???

WINNER THIS ROUND:

This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?

RUNNER UP THIS ROUND:

he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.