Probably the only funny thing I've ever seen linked from Maxim
http://www.maxim.com/humor/stupid-fun/84487/5-stages-most-relationships.html

You now masturbate more often than you have sex

Uh oh...

Sounds like ten years of marriage.

You're half right...

I think when I start a relationship I'm already in stage four.

 I think this must only apply with women too normal for me to even want to date.

"did you eat your previous partner" is not the most common qualifier

I've never so much as even been engaged; I'm still not safe though ....

I've been engaged a few times.  I'm going to melt down the rings and make a big ring with a few diamonds on it.  That way I can marry the person I love most, me.

How about this; you and I get married and never see each other ...
At this point, it's the most logical thing ...
Pre-nup required though ...

If there is a pre-nup, then what's in it for me?

You have to fly to FL and give up the balloon knot on his birthday every year.

That has a $20,000 a year price tag on it.

Plus the cost of the flight, or is that included?

Better be bleached and airfare inclusive...

I ready pay 20k/yr to someone, thanks ...

I don't have to get married to have anal.  I just think if I was ever to actually get married there should be something I get out of it.  We aren't in love so I think cash is an acceptable thing to request.

Again, I already shell out 20k/yr to 3 different people ....
What's one more?

Gucci doesn't buy itself!

Gucci doesn't buy itself!

This is the kind of honesty I can respect.

There are two kinds of whores: Those who accept cash and those who accept wedding rings.

I thought she was just a slut, now you're telling me she's a whore

I've kissed a whore once.  Never fucked her though.

I shot a whore in Reno, just to watch her die.

That would be badass if it were true.

FAH-Q is too much of a pussy to take the training wheels off of his bike, so I don't think he could ever shoot a whore.

tr00

aww FAH-Q, no she di-in't!