Awww, you left out the best part!
As much as I probably deserve this for using my own naked ass for shock-comedy purposes, I demand you respond to each and every one of them with the "Bayeux Tapestry Ending".
Thusly: "What I do is, I slam my face with eyes wide open against a blank spot on the shower wall. Letting my left hand catch the resulting blood flow, I use my right index finger to add another figure to my on going recreation of the Bayeux Tapestry. One day I shall reveal to Christie what real art is, and take his fraudulent empire right out of his soft and complacent hands."
Then post the counter-responses.